RECONCILING HEARTS September 24, 2006 Forum

Attendance: 43

Opening Comments: Our church needs to be a place that is full of justice for everyone. We need to truly accept that Jesus’ grace is for everyone.

Next Forum will be October 8^th and will feature Dennis Dailey.

Speakers:

Linda Penny shared the story of her foster daughter, Pauline Lynn, whom they received at age 3 months. When the family decided they wanted to adopt Lynn, it was an uphill battle, but it finally happened. They changed their new daughter’s name to Rachel Caroline and she became a part of their family, the third of five children the Penny’s would parent.

Rachel came out to her parents when she was 18. Linda said some of her first reactions included thinking they needed to get Rachel into counseling with a psychotherapist. But even as they were sorting out and learning about what their daughter was telling them, Linda said there was never any waivering in their love and support of Rachel.

Today Rachel is in a happy relationship with a devoted partner and both of their families attended the consecration of their relationship in a church congregation in Topeka. Rachel is a Lieutenant with the Topeka Fire and Medical Department.

Diane Stiles shared about her oldest son, Jamie. Jamie died of AIDS fifteen years ago. He never did come out to his parents while growing up. It was only when he got sick with AIDS that he and his partner Michael spoke frankly to Diane and Phil about their homosexuality and their relationship. Diane said she sensed Jamie’s relief once the truth was out in the open and he could openly discuss his life with his parents.

Diane said she “knew” from the time Jamie was young that he was different, but she thought it was Jamie’s choice not to discuss it with them so she respected that. She says now that her greatest regret is not having approached him about it earlier. She thinks it would have made things much easier for all of them, but particularly for Jamie.

Questions and Comments:

How can we be open not only to the gay population but also be supportive of families who have gay members?

Diane: “Jamie told some friends in this church when he was in youth group that he was gay and they went nuts. Jamie ended up leaving the church.”

How did your other children respond to their gay siblings?

Diane said Jamie’s brothers knew way before she and Phil did! And they accepted it.

Linda said their children were separated by several years and the gay issue never seemed to make a ripple! Rachel was Rachel! They never told the grandparents in their family, although Linda thinks they knew at some point.

A church member recalled that when Diane and Phil were going through the realization about Jamie they were concerned about how the church would respond to them. He asked Diane, “How did that work out?”

Diane said they had lots of support from members of the church. No one ever said anything negative to them about Jamie or the situation.

Linda said that when they came here in 1993 there was a group meeting under Virgil’s leadership that was talking about homosexuality and exploring reconciling congregations and acceptance, and Linda was overwhelmed with relief that there was an open discussion going on in this church.

The speakers referred to the turmoil and uneasiness of their children as they grew up and worried about being “different” from others. This led one participant to comment about the reality of very high suicide rates within the gay community and how sad this is!

Do you have any insights about families whose stories are NOT like yours; families who have rejected their children who came out?

Carol commented that unfortunately, rejection is very likely to happen in “religious” families where there is a sense that this behavior is wrong and that God condemns it! A mis-interpretation of scripture can be one source for these beliefs. Carol said she can not accept that our church would be a place where such rejection and condemnation would be tolerated.

The word “different” was bothersome to one participant. He said several gay friends have conveyed their feeling that “different” when used to describe gays is a derogatory term. He suggested that many people use this term because they cannot say what they really want to say, but cannot, i.e. that John is gay and his sexual orientation is what makes his behavior the way it is, so instead, they just use the term “different.” In fact, however, sexual orientation is just one “difference” among many for which we reject people or are intolerant of them, e.g. race, gender, religion, choices, etc.

Barb said she finds herself very quickly becoming intolerant of those who are intolerant! So, as a church, as we move forward on this issue, we need to remember that we are called to love all, even those who are not very loving! Otherwise, we become that which we are objecting to!

Sandy suggested that we need to examine the concepts of acceptance and tolerance. If I am only tolerated, am I really accepted? Tolerance can imply that there is something wrong with these people, but we will put up with them. Acceptance is welcoming and non-judgmental.

Another participant commented that the negative and judgmental reactions to homosexuality stems from fear of what we don’t understand and what we don’t know! He believes that one thing your religion should do for you is give you the strength to deal with your fears. Therefore, this is a very appropriate topic for our church to deal with.