Reconciling Hearts April 29, 2007 Forum

Presentation by Forrest and Donna Swall

The1997 annual conference of School Social Workers Association - Turned out it was the first time that group had a session addressing safe schools for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered students. They have more recently worked with nurses.

The PFLAG presentation Forrest and Donna have used focuses on family. Pictures of the families of the School Social Workers; Psychiatrist and Nurse couple: 4 boys and one is gay. This boy wanted to teach art, but felt no district would hire him, so he became an architect. These individuals are talented and gifted and it’s not right that they cannot do what they feel they are called to do or work where they want to work. Donna and Forrest’s daughter and her partner wanted to have a ceremony! Her partner’s parents would not do it or participate in it, so Donna and Forrest held a ceremony in Lawrence.

PFLAG Publications:

Faith in Our Families

Our Daughters and Sons

Our Trans Children

Be Yourself: Questions for gay, lesbian and bisexual youth

Answers to your questions about

Video: Straight from the Heart. (Content is summarized below)

Idaho family; Mormon; four sons; the eldest son was homosexual. Parents could not believe it! Father had strong visceral reaction to gays based on his upbringing and his religion.

A difference for gay/lesbian persons is that discrimination is even within their families. This is generally NOT the case with other discrimination. Parents come to realize as they examine their own feelings that the problem is with THEM, not with their children.

Gender orientation is present from birth and distinguishes straight from gay persons. The handedness change attempts of the past (i.e. trying to change left-handed children to right-handed) are reflective of the futile nature of such “change” therapy for realities that are part of a person’s identity.

Exodus International – believes you can change gender identity. Founder realized after 5 years that this was not possible!

Parents have shared their feelings of shock when children came out to them. Also, the fears they felt for their children. It also caused the parents to look closely at the bible and their religious beliefs. Many have concluded that what is happening is proof-texting, where scriptural texts are quoted out of context to prove what you want to prove. But at closer look, it is not consistent with the redemptive message of the bible and of Jesus.

Tracy Graham, US Navy officer who came out and was discharged. His point was that he was being asked to lie consistently about his private life! The same patterns of behavior that made epithets about racial and sexual prejudice acceptable in the past still exist for gay and lesbians. Tracy could have hidden his homosexuality all his life; it was perfectly camouflaged! But he says there are many who cannot hide it and they have been called faggot all their life! He decided to come out as a conscious decision. People are tired of lying to make other people comfortable! If you ask where I got this sweatshirt, I’ll tell you that my boyfriend gave it to me!

Parents talk about having to learn to be authentic and not living out of fear, i.e. fear of rejection or of some judgment being made about them.

Sexual excess is all around us. But few would suggest that those extremes represent the majority! Why do we not believe this about gay and lesbian persons?

Father’s comment: Having a son who is gay has, paradoxically, been one of the greatest blessings of my life. It has given me greater understanding and appreciation for the diversity in God’s world than anything else.

Father of a lesbian daughter: If you have children who are homosexual, love them and accept them. They are the same children that ran around your house as toddlers. Don’t wait or you may lose the chance!

Father who lost his son to AIDS: I would love to have the chance to do it all over! I could do it much better. If he were still with us, I would be doing what I could to make his way smoother.

We all know someone who is gay or lesbian. We know them as the complex people we all are. They don’t need special privileges; they just need equal rights.

REACTIONS to the film:

The remorse of the man who hurt the other person was very powerful.

Maybe we need to address diversity on a broader basis and recognize all individualities (e.g. singleness), not put extraordinary emphasis on homosexuality.

As we “come out” in this congregation, the video reminds me that, just like for these families, it’s not going to be easy, it’s going to be messy, and their will be lots of ugly things said, but we need to stand strong.

In the Mormon religion there is an absolute denial of homosexuality; there is NO tolerance. So seeing the Mormon family in the video and reflecting on their experience is particularly moving to me.

Forrest & Donna’s Comments:

The coming out of our daughter was a surprise to us. We had no idea. Tara was attending KU and she had gone out camping with a friend over a weekend and she didn’t come home. She called home and said she was in MO. on her way to Washington DC to see her younger sister. It became clear that something was terribly wrong. Forrest & Donna suggested that she go see some friends in Columbia, MO. They helped her give Forrest and Donna a call (coincidentally, these friends had a gay son!). That’s how they found out. When many children come out, the parents simply cannot handle it. As the Police Chief said in the video, “I raised my children to be heterosexual.” And you work your way to the point where you say, “I’m going to love my child no matter who he/she is.” Donna shared that at times when she would go to lunch with Tara, she knew that she was in agony and she would beg her to tell her what the problem was. Donna even confronted her directly saying that if she ever considered taking her own life that she needed to get help. Tare told them after she came out that she was terrified that she was going to lose her family, to be cut off, and she could not handle that, so she did not tell them.

Reactions/Questions of Attendees:

How did your other children react to Tara’s coming out?

They were very accepting, but that is more the case with the younger generation! They don’t have near the problem with it that our generations do.

Not all families are as accepting! Many of our daughter’s friends in theater are gay and there have been instances where parents would not even come to their gay child’s funeral.