Reconciling Hearts Forum October 8, 2006

Dennis Dailey, retired professor, KU School of Social Welfare

Attendance was about 40 persons

Dennis prefaced his “teaching” with some relevant background about his journey. He was very active in UMYF as a youth. He had made a decision to be a minister. But during his college experience, in trying to discover what his own gifts and graces were, he decided ministry was probably not a match (he knew he wouldn’t go where the bishop told him to go!). So he moved toward social work because there was a pretty strong association in that profession with social justice. As he moved toward doctorate work, he was attracted to teaching. And being at the campus where Masters & Johnston were doing their research, he “found” his field of interest, human sexuality. His family background was not suited to this! His father was bigoted about race, sexual orientation and gender issues. Sex was actually a forbidden topic of conversation in his family. So his background has echoes of “sin” from his ministry interest, and “pervert/sick/worthless” labels from his family. He had to struggle with these echoes and perceptions as he entered a world of sexuality that encompassed a much larger arena of considerations.

As best has been determined, about 70% of the human race is attracted to persons of the opposite sex. We don’t know why people are drawn erotically (aroused!) by persons of the same or the opposite sex! 10% are drawn to the same sex. Another 20% are drawn to both or either sex! These are bisexual persons. In society, a bisexual who happens to be in a relationship with someone of the same sex will be labeled by society as gay, when in fact they are not! Bisexual persons pick up all the negative stuff that goes with homosexuality, but also are labeled as being confused; both homosexual and heterosexuals want them to “make up your mind!”

Intersexed or transgendered – do not fit comfortably into a biologically determined gender. These persons do not feel as hated as they do ignored! Most people don’t have a category into which these persons fit, so they largely ignore them.

There is no solid creditable evidence in existence that explains the causality of sexual orientation. In Dennis’ opinion, discussions that focus on this issue often have the purpose of … “If we can find the causality we can fix it!” For this reason he will not engage or discuss causality! It does not accomplish anything. At heart, the issue is homophobia… OUT homophobia! Examining our own hearts and our own history with homophobia is, in Dennis’ opinion, worthwhile work for all of us! Many of us may think that the fact that we are here at this forum, or that we are interested and involved in reconciling ministries means that we are NOT homophobic, or that it is MINIMAL. Not so, in Dennis’ opinion. We are going to ask people in this church to deal with the stuff that gets in their way on the way to reconciliation and that makes them stumble as they extend their hand to someone. Therefore, we ALL need to deal with that stuff, and we all have some of it! People shouldn’t accept that Dennis is not homophobic because of his academic specialty and credentials! Rather, they should accept it if he can tell his story and share how he has gotten to where he is. That’s what we all need to be willing to do.

MYTH: Gay males are interested in male children erotically.

NO. Only 5-6% of pedophiles are gay. Pedophilia is a very specific clinical term… a person, more likely male than female, whose primary, singular, driven sexual oriented object is young pre-puberty children. Very few of the priests being accused are pedophiles! As a Reconciling Hearts group we need to be ready for this reaction…. “If we let them come in our doors and we embrace them, then they are going to want to teach Sunday School.” Dennis pointed out that the focus with this issue is gay males. Dennis quipped (as a social commentary) that we don’t care about lesbians because they are women and therefore irrelevant! We have less research and information in general about lesbians for this reason.

MYTH: Being preoccupied by sex. Equating homosexuality with promiscuity.

What are the facts? The assumption is that your sexuality defines who you are! But there is no difference between gay males and straight males re: how much you think about sex! Except one piece… gay males spend more time thinking about sexuality not in erotic terms by in safety terms. They know the risk they run of being beat up, fired from their job, etc. They know that what makes them sexual is viewed by the world as dangerous and they have to be conscious of that or they will get hurt. The research and clinical evidence on unfaithfulness in relationships is much lower than we think! In the paired population it is about 25% with males being slightly more “unfaithful” than women. Kinsey’s definition of promiscuity: “someone who is getting more than you are!”

MYTH: Fundamentalist claim that homosexuals can be fixed.

Restorative or reparative therapy does not work. Can a gay or lesbian get hooked up to a religious sect that can get them to change their “behavior”. Yes. But is that evidence that they are no longer gay? The evidence is clearly NO. Dennis thinks it is destructive, toxic, and injurious to the human spirit to try and change sexual orientation! He thinks our church should take a stand on that and say restorative therapy is NOT part of our belief.

QUESTIONS:

What was helpful to you in overcoming the bigotry you grew up with?

Dennis: Bad stuff happening to people really gets my attention. When kids get sexual education that tells them lies, I get upset. When I see gay people getting hurt innocently, I get upset. I tracked down a friend whom I rejected in HS because he was gay. I was acting in the spirit of my father and thought I was absolutely right! I heard about some things that happened to him as an adult and I spent months tracking him down to tell him that I was wrong and I was sorry.

Why do we need the labels?

I think we have the labels (heterosexual, homosexual, gay, lesbian) because we would be in utter confusion without them! The problem is honoring the label and understanding it and knowing it and valuing it. Dennis used the analogy of a black friend who does not want people to look past the fact that he is black, or ignore it; he wants people to KNOW his blackness and accept it. The same is true for gay and lesbian individuals!